A Day at a Time

Hello there, you smexy thing. I’m back for another round of blog posting. I’m going to try this new thing were I build my habit by posting every day, even if it’s just a tiny little bit of whatever.

My day started at 2 am when Kidlet Three woke up. It wasn’t all that unexpected seeing as he fell asleep on the way home. I was even pleased when he took one bite of a “hoptart”, drank half a glass of milk, blew out a bunch of snot, and fell back to sleep. I would have happily gone back to sleep too, except our 12 year old Cocker Spaniel/Chow Chow mix thought that I wanted to stay up and proceeded to bark from his kennel for over an hour. So I cleaned out my inbox and deleted a bunch of emails I didn’t need before finally deciding to get up and take a shower.

So now I am caffeinating, because that is the best (and only!) way to start the day. There is a light snow/sleet mix coming down and I need to get ready for work. Yet here I sit at the computer.

My marriage is facing struggles again. Or perhaps I should say that we are back to the same struggle we’ve had. Yesterday it just hit home again. Somehow we got on a path that causes my husband to say that I don’t deserve a break away from the kids or family stuff ever. Unless I want to fork over the dollars for it. I pay a decent wage for my babysitters so that gets expensive fast if I go that route. Meanwhile, all over my real and my online lives, other mothers who have spouses that tell their wives, “Go. Take that break. you deserve it.” And all I can wonder is why I am not worthy. He gets to go do things. Other mothers get to go do things. I NEED that time alone for my sanity and I’m not getting it. I suffer. but I can’t seem to convince him that I would be a much happier, healthier, BETTER wife and mother if I got that time.

So we’ve reached a bit of an impasse. I can’t let it go and he won’t give in. This produces a lot of stress. Coincidentally (or not), this has a produced an increase in my hip pain.  I thought my reduction in pain was from another cause, but multiple variables changed when my pain decreased, and I now suspect stress and anxiety are a big trigger. I was finally able to see a rheumatologist and while he doesn’t think I have signs of ankylosing spondylitis, there appears to be something going on. My bloodwork is normal, but on the borderline of the high end of the range, and  I wasn’t having a lot of pain issues when it was drawn. Today I get X-rays, which I am looking forward to. Hopefully some answers and some better pain management. Now that I’ve made the stress/anxiety connection, I need to figure out how to minimize it. A conflict that cannot be solved doesn’t help.

Getting lost in the crazy world of day job doesn’t sound so bad right now.

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